「與」

 Week 7 Story (“Cross”) – Longer Version

 

If there’s one word that sums up Jesus’ story, that word is ‘with’. Jesus’ ministry, above all else, is about being with us, in pain and wonder, in sorrow and in joy, in quiet and in conflict, in death and in life. The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit are so with one another that it seems they are in one another. And to the extent that they are in one another, we call God not three but one. God is the perfect equilibrium of three persons so with that they are in, but in in such a way that they are still with.

 

Good Friday is the day we see the very heart of God and the very worst in ourselves. Jesus’ last words are, ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?’ At first sight, this is simply the last in a chain of abandonments. Jesus’ companions flee, Peter denies, Judas betrays, now God the Father forsakes. It’s a litany of desertion. The events leading up to Jesus’ crucifixion are a heartless and wholesale dismantling of with. Jesus is left without all those he worked so hard to be with – the disciples, the authorities, the poor – and all of them have not just disappeared, but actively deserted or betrayed him. Jesus is still with us, but we, at this most precious moment of all, are not with him.

 

But these abandonments are nothing compared to the one that really matters. The cross is a unique event. It’s not unique because of how much pain Jesus felt or how much love he’d previously expended. It’s unique because the Holy Trinity is the utter presence of unalloyed with, and at the moment of Jesus’ death, that with is, for a brief moment and for the only instant in eternal history, lost.

 

With is the very essence of God’s being within the life of the Trinity (the relationship of God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit), and the very essence of God’s being towards us in Christ. And yet at this unique moment, that with is obscured. Like the clouds coming across the sun, shrouding the earth in shadow, the essence of God, always three persons in perfect relationship, always God’s life shaped to be with us – that essence is for a moment lost. This is the most poignant and terrifying moment in all history. The two things we think we can know for certain – that God is a Trinity of persons in perfect and eternal relationship and that God is always present with us in Christ through the Spirit – these two certainties are, for a moment, taken away. The universe’s deepest realities have become unhinged. The Son is not with the Father, even though he desperately wants to be. The Father is not with the Son, breaking our whole notion of their eternal presence one with another. This is the most vivid picture of hell we could imagine: not just our being separated from God, but God being separated from God, God being out of God’s own reach.

 

The cross is Jesus’ ultimate demonstration of being with us – but in the cruellest irony of all time, it’s the instant Jesus finds that neither we, nor the Father, are with him. Every aspect of being not-with, of being with-out, clusters together at this agonizing moment. Jesus experiences the reality of human sin because sin is fundamentally living without God. Jesus experiences the depth of suffering because suffering is more than anything the condition of being without comfort. Jesus experiences the horror of death because death is the word we give to being without all things – without breath, without connectedness, without consciousness, without a body. Jesus experiences the biggest alienation of all, the state of being without the Father, and thus being not-God – being, for this moment, without the with that is the essence of God.

 

And Jesus’ words at this most terrifying moment are these: ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?’ He’s still talking to the Father, even at the moment of declaring that the with has gone. He’s still talking in intimate terms – calling the Father ‘My God’. These words come out of the most profound level of trust, the most fathomless depth of with and in. The most tantalizing thing is that Jesus’ last words are a question – a question that doesn’t receive an answer. The question should rattle us to our bones.

 

The question shows us that Jesus has given everything that he is for the cause of being with us, for the cause of embracing us within the essence of God’s being. He’s given so much – even despite our determination to be without him. And yet he’s given beyond our imagination because for the sake of our being with the Father he has, for this moment, lost his own being with the Father. And the Father has longed so much to be with us that he has, for this moment, lost his being with the Son, which is the essence of his being.

 

Here we are, at the central moment in history. Jesus, the incarnate Son of God, has to choose between being with the Father or being with us. And he chooses us. At the same time the Father has to choose between letting the Son be with us or keeping the Son to himself. And he chooses to let the Son be with us. Can you believe it? That is the choice on which our eternal destiny depends. That’s the epicentre of the Christian faith, and our very definition of love.

 

These two astonishing discoveries, the Father’s losing the Son for us and the Son’s losing the Father for us, rattle our bones because they make us wonder ‘Is all then lost?’ – not just for us, but even for God. Has the Trinity lost its identity for nothing? If we don’t experience a shiver of this greatest of all horrors at this point, then we haven’t allowed ourselves truly to enter Good Friday. But this deepest of fears is what will find an answer two days later, when we find that neither sin nor suffering nor death nor alienation has the last word. With is restored at Easter and, on the day of Ascension, with has the last word.

 

Is our alienation from God really so profound that it pushes God to such lengths to reverse and heal it? We don’t want to believe it. But here it is, in front of our eyes. That’s what the cross is – our cowardice and cruelty confronted by God’s wondrous love. Is being with us for ever really worth God going to such lengths to secure? Now that is, perhaps, the most awesome question of all. It takes us to the heart of God’s identity and the heart of our own. Can we really believe God thought we were worth it? Are our paltry lives worth the Trinity setting aside the essence of its identity in order that we might be with God and incorporated into God’s life for ever?

 

Jesus’ cry is one of agony that to reach us he had, for a moment, to let go of his Father. What is our cry? Our cry is one of grief that we were not with him. It’s a cry of astonishment that he was, despite everything, still with us. And it’s a cry of conviction and commitment that we will be with him henceforth and for evermore.

 

這篇故事的核心是「與」這個字。耶穌的事工，最根本的就是與我們同在，不論是痛苦還是奇蹟，悲傷還是喜樂，安靜還是衝突，死亡還是生命。聖父、聖子和聖靈彼此如此緊密地相交，彷彿彼此就在對方之內。他們之間的關係是如此密切，我們稱神為「一位」，因為他們三位完美地合一，雖然這份合一中依然保持著彼此的「與」的存在。

聖週五是我們看到神的心臟，以及我們自身最糟糕的時候。耶穌最後的話是：「我的神，我的神，為什麼離棄我？」表面上看，這似乎只是連串被遺棄中的最後一個。耶穌的門徒逃跑，彼得否認，猶大背叛，現在神聖的父親也離棄了他。這是一個被拋棄的記錄。耶穌被釘十字架的過程，是一個無情的摧毀「與」的過程。耶穌失去了所有他曾努力去與之同在的人——門徒、當時的權威、窮人——他們不僅消失了，還選擇了背叛或離棄他。耶穌依然與我們同在，但在這最寶貴的時刻，我們卻沒有與他同在。

然而，這些遺棄與其說是令人心碎，不如說是無關緊要的，因為真正重要的遺棄發生了。十字架是獨特的事件，它之所以獨特，不在於耶穌經歷了多少痛苦，或者他先前曾表現出多少愛。它的獨特性在於聖三一是完全的「與」的存在，而在耶穌死的那一刻，這種「與」在永恆的歷史中，唯一的瞬間，消失了。

「與」是神三位一體中神的本質，並且是神在基督裡與我們同在的本質。然而，在這個獨特的時刻，這份「與」被遮蔽了。就像雲層遮住太陽，將大地籠罩在陰影中，神的本質——永遠三位一體、完美相交的神——在那一刻消失了。這是歷史中最令人心碎、最可怕的時刻。我們一直認為可以確定的兩件事——神是三位一體，永恆完美相交；以及神總是透過聖靈與我們同在——這兩件事在這一刻被奪走了。宇宙最深的真理被扭曲了。聖子不與聖父同在，雖然他極力想與他同在。聖父不與聖子同在，打破了我們對他們永恆共存的所有理解。這是我們能想像到的最真實的地獄：不僅是我們與神的分離，而是神與神的分離，神無法觸及自己。

十字架是耶穌對我們的終極示範——然而在所有歷史中最殘酷的諷刺就是，在這一刻，耶穌發現，無論是我們還是父神，都不與他同在。在這痛苦的時刻，所有「不在與」的感受都匯聚在一起。耶穌經歷了人類罪的現實，因為罪就是無神的生活。耶穌經歷了痛苦的深度，因為痛苦更多的是缺乏安慰的狀態。耶穌經歷了死亡的恐懼，因為死亡是我們給「無所有」這一狀態的名稱——無氣息、無聯繫、無意識、無身體。耶穌經歷了最深的疏離——與聖父的隔絕，因此不再是神——在這一刻，他失去了神的本質。

在這最可怕的時刻，耶穌的話是：「我的神，我的神，為什麼離棄我？」即使在宣告「與」已經消失的時刻，耶穌依然與父神對話。他仍然用親密的語氣稱呼父神為「我的神」。這些話來自於最深的信任，是最深層的「與」與「在」的表達。最讓人矛盾的是，耶穌的最後話語是一個問題——一個沒有答案的問題。這個問題應該讓我們的內心為之一震。

這個問題讓我們看到，耶穌為了我們，已經付出了他的一切，為了能夠與我們同在，將我們納入神的本質之中。他已經付出了如此多——即使我們決心要與他分離。然而，他所付出的，超出了我們的想像，因為為了讓我們與父神同在，他為此短暫失去了自己與父神的「同在」。而父神如此渴望與我們同在，以至於他讓聖子為我們而與自己分離，這就是父神的本質。

這是歷史的中心時刻。耶穌，神的化身，必須在與父神同在和與我們同在之間做出選擇，而他選擇了我們。與此同時，父神必須在讓聖子與我們同在，或是把聖子保留給自己之間做出選擇，而他選擇讓聖子與我們同在。你能相信嗎？這就是我們永恆命運的轉折點。這是基督信仰的核心，也是我們對愛的定義。

這兩個驚人的發現——父神為了我們而失去聖子，聖子為了我們而失去父神——震撼了我們的內心，因為它們讓我們不禁疑問「那麼一切是否都已經失去？」——不僅是對我們，甚至對神來說，三位一體是否為此失去了自己的身份？如果我們此刻沒有感受到這場歷史最深的恐懼，那麼我們就沒有真正進入聖週五。但這種恐懼將在兩天後找到答案，當我們發現，無論是罪、痛苦、死亡還是疏離，都無法擁有最後的話語。復活節時，「與」被恢復了，而在升天日，「與」擁有了最後的話語。

我們與神的疏離是否如此深刻，以至於推動神走到這樣的地步來扭轉並醫治它？我們不想相信，但它就在我們眼前。這就是十字架——我們的懦弱和殘忍與神奇妙的愛相對峙。神真的認為我們值得嗎？我們那微不足道的生命，真的值得三位一體為了讓我們與神同在，放下本質身份嗎？

耶穌的呼喊是痛苦的，因為為了達到我們，他不得不暫時放開父神。而我們的呼喊是悲傷的，因為我們未曾與他同在。這是對耶穌仍然與我們同在的驚訝呼喊。也是我們宣誓會永遠與他同在的呼喊。

Loss Aunt Josy 💔

March 16, 2025

This morning, I received heartbreaking 💔news—Aunt Josy Kwok passed away at 8 a.m. at Tun Mun Hospital. Mom got the call from Uncle Yan, and she and Dad rushed to the hospital, but Aunt Josy was already gone when they arrived. Mom told me that when she touched Aunt Josy, she was still warm. She cried. I know how much Aunt Josy meant to her. They shared an incredibly strong sisterhood, one that was filled with love, care, and support.

Aunt Josy was a wonderful person. She worked so hard, always taking care of her family and grandchildren. She was generous, though not always expressive. She even helped me financially when I was pursuing my bachelor's degree, something I will forever be grateful for. She had even planned to give me a wedding present one day. But all I ever wanted was for her to be healthy, to be here with us. Now, she is gone, and my heart feels empty.

Counting my fingers, five people from my childhood photos have now left this world. When facing death and illness, we are truly helpless. I have seen too many of my loved ones pass away.

In my second year of high school (2003), my grandfather, my mom's father passed away from nose and throat cancer. He was in his seventies. Then, during my second year of university (2012), Uncle Hung passed away at home. My parents hadn't heard from him for a while and started to worry. Mom went to his home, peeked through the gap of the window, and saw him lying on the floor. He had been gone for one to two days before anyone knew. He lived alone, a single man with no one to check on him. Uncle Hung was once a close family friend. He was always there for us, fixing electricity and air conditioning, helping whenever we needed him. I still remember how he helped me build a home for my art project using popsicle sticks. He was a kind man.

Later (2017), when I started working as a teacher, Uncle Lun (my dad's younger sister's husband) also passed away from cancer. I never even knew what kind of cancer it was. He used to be such a funny, loving, and friendly man in my childhood, and now he, too, is gone.

And then (2018), there was my grandfather—my dad's father. I never knew the reason for his passing either. But I do remember he was in a terrible elderly home. He died in his seventies, just like my other grandfather.

Now (2025), Aunt Josy. Another loss. Another goodbye I was never prepared for. She was always not mindful of her health... eating so much fruit, though she skipped proper meals. She worked so hard all her life. And now, she's gone.

Jesus, can you hear the words I cannot even put into words? Are you meeting Aunt Josy in heaven? She is such an amazing woman, someone who deserves eternal peace and joy.

I pray for all of them, my family and friends who have passed away. May they find eternal life, just as Christianity says.

In the name of the Father, Amen.

My "Being With..." Course

Imagine the little word ‘with’ is the most important word in the Christian faith. Let’s explore four ways to make the world a better place.

 

1.      Working for is where I do things and they make your life better. Working for is the normal model for improving the world. It says the way to address disadvantage is for those with skills, knowledge, energy and resources to put those things to use to improve the situation of those who are struggling. It says those with the advantage have abundance, have more to give, and through education and training, should use what they have to work for as many people as possible. The ‘needy’ then are defined by their deficit – by what they don’t have; if they have skills, knowledge, energy or resources, these are not noticed or used. Working for sees problems and focuses on fixing those problems; then it moves on to the next problem, of which the world is never short. One challenge is that people seldom like being seen as a problem to fix or solve.

2.      Working with is a different model. Like working for, it gains its energy from problem-solving, identifying targets, overcoming obstacles, and building momentum as more is achieved. Working with gathers around a common cause: initially drawing together the like-minded and those of similar social standing, but eventually making partnerships across social divides, like religion and class. By forming networks and creating a movement, where it’s possible for everyone to win, working with gets things going and helps those disadvantaged to feel they belong.

3.      Being for is more concerned with getting the ideas right, using the right language, having the right attitudes. Being seen to do or say the right thing is the vital thing. Much of which is good; but in its desperation that Something Must Be Done, it can become clear that it’s for somebody else to do the doing. Remaining silent on important issues is viewed as disengagement or withdrawal. Being for can often mean people who don’t fully understand the complexity of situations nonetheless feel the need to say or do something.

4.      Being with rejects the idea of problem and solution. Its main concern is the situation that has no solution, the scenario that can’t be fixed. It sees the most significant moments of life like this: love can’t be achieved; death can’t be fixed; pregnancy and birth aren’t a problem needing a solution. When it comes to social disadvantage, it believes one can’t really solve people’s problems – doing so damages and hurts relationships with others. Instead, one must accompany people while they find their own methods, answers, approaches – and celebrate and enjoy their true identity, which is not wrapped up in what one judges to be their problem. Being with starts with people’s assets – what they have – not their deficits – what they don’t have. It seeks never to do for them what they can perfectly well, perhaps with encouragement and support, do for themselves. But most importantly, being with seeks to model the goal of all relationships: seeking to delight in people, enjoying them for their own sake, right here, right now, not trying to get them to do something or be something they are not.

5 Months in Our New Home

It’s been five months since we moved into our beautiful new home, and what an incredible journey it’s been. Every corner of this place feels like a piece of us, filled with love, laughter, and so many firsts.

Life took a turn for the better when my fiancé finally landed his job after eight months of searching. The joy in his eyes when he got the offer was unforgettable—I’m so proud of him! It is a blessing. Not long after, we got engaged! 💍

We celebrated our engagement with a pre-wedding photoshoot. The day was magical, filled with radiant sunlight, soft breezes, and a sense of excitement for the future. Those photos are treasures...

I’ve embraced my new life as a "housewife" with enthusiasm, turning this house into a warm, cozy haven. One of my favorite things has been hosting dinners for friends, sitting around our dining table filled with good food and laughter. We also hosted my fiancé’s—oops, hubby’s—parents for the first time. Seeing them smile, feeling their pride in us, made every little effort worth it.

Wedding planning has been an adventure of its own. We visited several stunning venues, dreaming and deciding where we’ll say our vows. Each visit brought a new wave of excitement and possibilities—it feels surreal that our big day is drawing closer.

And then, the sweetest surprise: my fiancé got me a ticket to fly back home for my mom’s 60th birthday. It was such a thoughtful gesture, a reminder of how much he cherishes the people I love. I can’t wait to celebrate her milestone, surrounded by family.

These past five months have been filled with beautiful memories that I’ll cherish forever. Our home is no longer just a place—it’s a collection of stories, milestones, and dreams, with so much more to come.

Here’s to love, laughter, and the many blessings ahead.

End of September

It's the last week of September, and I'm realizing that I haven't been able to complete my goal of 20 working days at York—I've only managed 7. Jesus! I was so exhausted today after supplying in Newmarket. I miss my beautiful new home so much. Yesterday, I was in Brampton, doing library duty, just sitting there scanning books like a cashier at Walmart. It took me an hour to drive 29 km... it felt endless.

On the bright side, I recently received an assignment as a supply resource teacher for two weeks, working from 10 AM to 4 PM. What a blessing! I can still drive Dudu to work and pick him up. Thank you, Jesus! I just pray that the Lord gives me the strength to drive back home after work and blesses me with the energy to prepare all the food for tomorrow's party. I'm a little nervous since I have so much left to finish.

Last week, I was so happy to find the cutest plush cushions for just $2.99 each—what a steal! I bought six of them. Honestly, I feel like adding this to my résumé as a major life achievement, hahaha! I've been looking online for cushions, and the cheapest ones I could find were $17 each. And to top it off, I was able to host dinner for my girlfriends, which made me so happy.

I'm looking forward to many more joyful dinners with Dudu and our friends around our cozy, lovely dining table. Life has its challenges, but moments like these remind me of the blessings.

Drama OT Supply Diary

First Day:

My first day of drama teaching was definitely overwhelming. I was asked to lead an Echo activity. This game involves students standing in a circle, where one person starts by saying their names or doing something (a sound or movement), and the others "echo" it. It's a fun way to warm up the class, get everyone engaged, and build group cohesion. I was also supposed to go over classroom norms and lead a discussion on constructive criticism in theatre—a concept that’s so vital for actors. Theatre is all about feedback, but it has to be done in a way that helps actors improve, not break them down. Ms. Goldman, the department head, ended up taking the lead on this, and I was so relieved to learn from her how to guide discussions that build confidence while offering helpful, honest feedback.

Second Day:

This day was all about stepping up and running the Mirror, Mirror activity on my own... This game pairs students up, with one person acting as the leader and the other as the "mirror," imitating every movement and expression in sync. It helps develop students' focus, coordination, and connection with their scene partners—key skills in acting.

I also introduced Love/Hate Rants to the Grade 10 class. In this activity, students pick a random object or idea and deliver a passionate rant, either loving or hating it. It’s great for helping them explore extremes in emotion and tone, plus it encourages creativity and improvisation.

For the Grade 12 class, I was introduced to Verbatim Theatre, a style of theatre where actors perform real-life testimonies or interviews word-for-word. It’s an intense way to teach students about real-world stories, but it also challenges their ability to stay truthful to the source material while interpreting it for the stage. The class explored the power of acting real experiences authentically, learning how to handle sensitive material with respect and responsibility.

For Verbatim Theatre, students can pair up and interview each other, focusing on personal stories that help them explore authentic human experiences. Some questions that can be used in the interviews to get rich, emotional responses that will translate well into performance...:

1. What are your dreams or fantasies?
   (This helps explore deeper desires or goals, whether realistic or imaginative.)

2. What is a memory that has shaped who you are today?
   (This invites reflection on personal experiences that have impacted their lives.)

3. What’s something you’re most proud of?
   (Encourages them to reflect on their achievements or qualities they value in themselves.)

4. What’s a fear or insecurity you’ve had to overcome?
   (A question that brings out vulnerability and personal growth.)

5. Who has been your biggest influence, and how have they impacted you?
   (This can help explore personal connections and the influence of relationships.)

6. What’s a moment in your life where you felt completely out of your comfort zone?
   (A great way to uncover challenging or uncomfortable moments and how they shaped the person.)

Acting Techniques I’ve Explored So Far:

1. Stanislavsky’s System:
   The foundation for most modern acting techniques, this system focuses on emotional truth and realism in acting. Actors use techniques like emotional memory to recall past feelings and experiences to bring authenticity to their performances.

2. The Method (popularized by Lee Strasberg):
   An evolution of Stanislavsky’s work, Method acting encourages actors to fully immerse themselves in their characters, often staying in character even off-stage. It emphasizes emotional memory and using personal experiences to create a deep emotional connection to the role.

3. Stella Adler Technique:
   Adler believed that actors shouldn’t rely solely on personal experiences. Instead, she emphasized imagination and understanding the script’s social, cultural, and political context. The actor’s job is to study the world of the play and create truthful performances based on the script and character.

4. Meisner Technique:
   Sanford Meisner’s technique focuses on living truthfully under imaginary circumstances. It uses repetitive exercises to help actors get out of their heads and react instinctively to what their scene partner is doing, emphasizing listening and responding in the moment.

5. Uta Hagen’s Technique:
   Uta Hagen focused on making performances natural and believable. She introduced exercises like "substitution," where actors replace fictional circumstances with real-life experiences, helping them connect deeply to their characters.

6. Spolin Technique:
   Viola Spolin's method revolves around improvisation, encouraging actors to be spontaneous, playful, and flexible. Her exercises help actors break out of rigid patterns and discover new ways to approach their performances, making them more adaptable.

7. Practical Aesthetics:
   Developed by David Mamet and William H. Macy, this technique encourages actors to break down scenes based on what the character wants and what they are doing to achieve it. It focuses on analyzing the script’s objective realities rather than relying on emotional recall.

8. Viewpoints:
   Originally created by choreographer Mary Overlie, Viewpoints focuses on time and space in performance. It trains actors to be aware of their physical presence on stage and how they move through space and interact with others, creating dynamic performances.

9. Chekhov Technique:
   Mikhail Chekhov’s technique centers on using the actor's imagination and physical movement to explore a character’s inner life. It incorporates psychological gestures—specific physical movements that represent a character's desires and emotions.

10. Linklater Voice Method:
    Developed by Kristin Linklater, this method focuses on freeing the natural voice. It helps actors connect their breath and voice with their emotions and intentions, allowing for more powerful and authentic vocal performances.

11. Grotowski Technique:
    Jerzy Grotowski focused on the physicality of performance, pushing actors to use their bodies in extreme ways to express emotions and tell stories. His approach emphasized stripping away the excess and relying on raw, physical expression to connect with the audience.

    
    

    Reflecting on these first few days, I’ve realized how much I’m learning.... My mind is blown away.. 

Finding Rest and Grace Amidst the Chaos

After a crazy 7-week summer camp at Renaissance (now Lolart, lol), I finally got a relaxing week at my beautiful new home and spent some time with Dudu. But honestly, I was sick the *entire* week! Non-stop coughing, feeling so tired, and cold all the time... ugh. The summer was pretty amazing overall, especially since I didn't even think about job hunting in June. I was so swamped with writing report cards, marking, and grading final assignments. It seriously felt like I was writing essays every single day!

On top of that, I was chasing Peel Board HR for my internal candidate job link. Tried reaching out countless times, but nothing worked. So frustrating—😩Canadian bureaucracy at its finest! Thank goodness for Dudu, though. He helped me finally get access to the internal link, so now I can apply for jobs. Hallelujah!

As September creeps closer, I’ve become a regular secondary OT under the York board. I’ve decided to put off staying in Vaughan for now. But I’m still doing the back-and-forth drives, constantly worrying if Dudu’s eating enough or dressing warmly enough—it’s exhausting. I really hope I can get through my 20 mandatory days and fulfill the board's requirements.

I’ve sent out about 30 resumes (maybe a bit less), mainly aiming for high school ESL teaching positions. Elementary school is just too much with all the subjects to teach—I don’t feel confident handling that right now. Last school year was pretty eventful, though. Got a few board offers, did some LTOs, got my experience certification from Peel Board, and also sorted out my QECO. 

Thank you, Jesus, for all the beautiful things that have happened. Truly, all your grace. I’ve been feeling sick these past few months and just want to rest without guilt if I miss a day of work here and there. I pray that the Lord keeps blessing my family, my relationship with Dudu, my friends, and all the wonderful people I’ve met in person and online. They’re so precious to me.

Time to rest...

My beautiful new home by the way💗...